| something about fall nights. |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|10:13 pm] |
walking in the park when its freezing and windy is one of the best feelings ive had in a long time.
that doesnt mean im over it, i probably never will be.
during those nights, ive been the happiest ive been in what seems like a very long time.
im so uneasy about everything and everyone now.
i cant seem to tell peoples motives or what they think.
i hate that.
i still think about you everyday. |
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| all over. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2006|07:55 am] |
today:
i want to start everything over.
sometimes i wish i could just move to seattle, or the east coast where no one knows me at all.
i wonder what would happen.
on the other hand, i wish i could just start with where i left off here.
im over so many things now.
its amazing how much you change, and most of the time you never notice....
today, i noticed.
im not that girl anymore.
take it, or fucking leave it.
im not getting pushed around anymore...ill do what i want.
its time to make MYSELF happy.
fuck, i am so miserable. |
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| i wish i could lie. |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|01:55 pm] |
i wonder where i will be a year from now.
a month from now.
a week from now.
tomorrow.
because i really have no idea.
i want so much to have feelings again. |
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| you're the sun in my eyes. |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|12:46 pm] |
i cant stop listening to a few select songs...
i hate being alone, especially right now.
seth was right, i do think way too much.
these words feel so right to describe this situation.
i was driving home this morning and kept watching the leaves fall from the trees, then get picked back up by the wind and fly away.
it hurts more when no one is around.
i dont know if my attitude is just a cover now.
part of me wants to never try again. never let myself feel that way.
i wont get hurt.
but i wont ever be happy.
not ever. |
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[Sep. 5th, 2006|07:56 am] |
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perfect. |
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[Sep. 4th, 2006|03:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
.....
again.
i guess im not worth that much time.
whatev. virgina city today. |
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| tonight... |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|01:27 am] |
felt like old times.
i really had a lot of fun. |
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[Aug. 15th, 2006|02:45 pm] |
this is really getting out of hand.
i feel like i cannot do anything right or well that i love.
i love music....but i cant play an instrument or even sing well.
i love doing hair...but i secretly dont think im good.
i thought i was smart, but the more people i talk to the more i realize im not.
i dont want to feel bad for myself. but those are the things i love and it really bums me out when i cant do any of them right.
i feel like an idiot.
this is what happens when i get ditched 4 times in a week, and am home by myself.
all i fucking want to do is move back to reno, get a job, finish cosmo school, work at a salon, and fucking sing in a band.
maybe get a puppy and stuff too...but obviously i cant really be bad at that. |
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[Aug. 15th, 2006|02:06 pm] |
i cant fucking play guitar worth shit.
i just really dont get it.
maybe i should just stick to singing. |
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[Aug. 10th, 2006|12:52 am] |
i need a job in reno.
fast.
please please please help me. |
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| oh tahoe.... |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|04:17 pm] |
i want to be there so bad right now. |
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[Aug. 7th, 2006|10:30 pm] |
guys and porn.
i will never ever get it.
i would figure thats lots of people would have other things to do with their time.
get an imagination or fucking go get the real put out or something.
i always seem to be the only one thats not okay with that stuff.
videos at least.
i dont mind naked chicks like godsgirls or anything.
having sex with someone you dont care about, or know for money...
i just think its gross. |
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[Aug. 5th, 2006|04:27 pm] |
i think i will always feel left out.
moving back to reno or not.
always.
my last day of school was today.
i never want to go back. |
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[Aug. 4th, 2006|06:25 pm] |
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i think you are really, really amazing. |
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[Jul. 31st, 2006|09:58 pm] |
why do i feel like im just a waste of time?
oh yeah, i just remembered.
thats because i am but i was apparently the last to know it. |
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| for you....yes, you. |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|09:26 pm] |
that rootbeer float kicked my ass tonight :) i need a nap. |
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| todays good news. |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|03:58 pm] |
so its official.
im moving back the 26th of august.
yay for me.
someone please go to tahoe with me and ill buy you food.
you should know who you are.
if you dont...im pretty sure youll figure it out :)
kthanxxx loveyoubye. |
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[Jul. 26th, 2006|11:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  l | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dashboard. | ] |
i remember thinking that i was never going to use it again. now im on this thing almost more then myspace.
thats a lot.
you really have no idea.
i really didnt think i had many tears left to cry, but tonight proved me wrong yet again.
all it takes is me driving home by myself with dashboard.
i have never really had someone that close die to me before. i have had some friends, people i knew...never good ones.
i havent gotten used to the idea of death yet.
growing up i was always told that dying isnt the end of things, that you go to heaven, or hell depending on how you lived your life.
the problem is...
im not exactly sure if i believe any of that, up until recently i have always thought of religion as some kind of mind control. The point of it being good, to make people not want to fuck up, and to have a reason to have morals and not go around acting as if their actions will never have consequences.
I always thought that whatever you believed would happen when you die happened. If you believed you would go to heaven, if there is one, then you would, if you deserved it. Or if you didnt believe in any of that at all and you thought it would just be black, like you are sleeping...maybe that would be what happened.
I really believed that.
I really dont believe the things that the bible or whatever other religion tells people.
i have faith in something. the reason for why religion is there.
Maybe half of the problem is because i dont know what happens to her.
Its hard to be okay with death if you dont even believe or feel likie you know what happens when you do.
im not crapping on other peoples religions, believe what you want, its better to have faith in something then nothing at all.
this is not something i like wondering about. |
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[Jul. 24th, 2006|08:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
today?
pretty shitty.
worst part?
im never going to find out anything about my family. she was the only one who knew about my dads real parents and tomorrow they are taking her off life support.
im the worst person for thinking about that and not how much i will miss her.
which is a lot.
i cant imagine what my dad is going through and i wish i could be there for him. |
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[Jul. 14th, 2006|08:24 pm] |
moving back to reno?
hell yeah. |
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